California Rapid Alert Narcotics Enforcement Agency
Solution 9: Celebrity Letters
All of the letters (except the first) are notes from a male celebrity to his (possibly ex-) girlfriend or wife. Since all of the messages use intimate nicknames, the first step is to figure out the real (stage) names of the celebrities:

My Bedazzling temptress     Letter #6

Here is the child custody check for this month. Please stop bugging me for more money.

Love, Steve

  • This is Steve Bing, writing to Elizabeth Hurley, star of Bedazzled. Bing, a millionaire film producer and political donor, is Hurley's baby daddy. In early 2005 there were disputed rumors that Bing was dating Nicole Kidman.

Dear Lose-ona,     Letter #1

It’s been a while since we talked, but I just want you to know that I changed my tattoo of your name to something else.

I hope you’re doing excellently.

I had lunch with Mr. Smith (but not Mrs. Smith) the other day. He’s going through some rough times, and it reminded me of us. But then again, I’m much happier now than I was then with you. Do you remember the month when I really started living? Before, I was just “existing without living,” but then my bundle of joy came and I was a new man.

Booya.
John

  • This is Johnny Depp, writing to his ex-fiancé Winona Ryder. If you were her ex-fiancé, you might call her "Lose-ona." While they were engaged, Depp had a tattoo reading "Winona forever", which he later changed to "Wino forever." After the birth of Depp's daughter (to Vanessa Paradis), he was quoted as saying "Anything I've done up till 27 May 1999 was kind of an illusion, existing without living. My daughter, the birth of my daughter, gave me life." More recently, Depp re-entered the spotlight in the role of the pirate Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean.

To my Beautiful Female –       Letter #3

I hate it how we fight and then you leave me alone for days. I get so lonely without you.
I’ll love it when you listen. You know listening is very important with a person like me.
I hate it when we’re in the same city due to our schedules but then we don’t spend any time together.
I hate it when you’re super−hot stuff right now, and I’m on the decline. It’s just not fair.
I hate it when you wear your hair up. It’s so much better down and free−flowing. God, those tresses...

And I hate it. I hate it when you listen to that Sparrow. True, he’s got a nice boat and a lot of very rich friends, but don’t forget you’re wearing my ring (or are you? I don’t know anymore. But at one point you did, and that counts, doesn’t it?).

I’ll love it when you wear those boots that go up to your thighs and you’re looking mighty fine... God, those boots...

This is what you do to me. Come back.

Signed,
I’ll Love It

  • This is Lyle Lovett, writing to his ex-wife Julia Roberts. Roberts, of course, has particularly nice hair and was the star of Pretty Woman, also known as Beautiful Female among the synonymously-inclined. Lyle Lovett (whose name sounds like "I'll love it") is a country musician whose career has not been particularly notable lately.

Dear Jen,     Letter #3

There are five reasons why we don’t work out.

1. I like kids. They’re fun!
2. You hate them. You’re boring.
3. I’d like to have a beard.
4. I secretly long to marry women who are at least 20 years my junior, like whatsis-name famous dude. Some guys have all the luck. Fame from birth, fame in career, and a young wife. Sooooo unfair. Sorry hon—you’re too old to fulfill my fantasies.
5. I’ve always wanted a toy poodle or one of those cute Chihuahuas, but you said no. Meanie.

Love,
T. Durden

  • This is Brad Pitt (who played Tyler Durden in Fight Club and Mr. Smith in the upcoming Mr. and Mrs. Smith) writing to his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. This should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Dear LMP      Letter #3

Remember when you sang those few lines to me? You would never sing the whole song—just those couple lines.

Love me tender,
Love me true,
All my dreams fulfilled.
For my darlin’ I love you,
And I always will.

Well, I heard that millionaire dude singing it to Nicole the other day. He’s a boy, but he so can’t play. He can’t sing either, and those words are false anyway.

Love
Capt. Corelli

  • This is Nicholas Cage (who played Captain Corelli in an eponymously-named mandolin movie) writing to his ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley. The pair were only married for three months in 2002; less than two years later, Cage married a 19-year-old waitress. The song he quotes was popularized by LMP's dad, commonly known as Elvis.

My dear Welsh Princess,    Letter #3

Just wanted to let you know I’ll be late home today, and might miss our weekly episodes of Felicity. Please record it for me! I can’t wait to see who’s going to get lucky tonight. I hope its Noel!

In other news, I got another Traffic violation today. Damn cops. They hate me.

Love Mikey


Dear Jen,      Letter #4

It seems like every Wednesday night I catch you pretending to be someone else. You’re a skank. I can’t believe how low you’ve stooped. I can’t believe I used to be married to you.

I was talking to Nick the other day, and he agrees you’re a skank. (Then again, he himself just got married to some waitress, so I don’t know if he’s the most reliable source of skank-determination.)

Ack! My mother would be horrified by how often I’ve used that dirty word. She wouldn’t think it was appropriate. I should stop now.

Bye,
Kellerman

  • This is Scott Foley, writing to his ex-wife Jennifer Garner. Foley, whose middle name is Kellerman, played Noel Crane on the TV show Felicity. Garner assumed a new disguise every week as the star of Alias, which was broadcast on Wednesdays in 2005.

The initial message hints that "it’s so interesting to see how people are related, which follows what". All but one letter contains a reference to the author of the next letter in the sequence, forming a linked list:

Author Recipient Reference
Lyle Lovett Julia Roberts Johnny Depp (Sparrow with a nice boat)
Johnny Depp Winona Ryder Brad Pitt (Mr. Smith)
Brad Pitt Jennifer Aniston Michael Douglas (married woman 25 years younger)
Michael Douglas Catherine Zeta-Jones Scott Foley (Noel on Felicity)
Scott Foley Jennifer Garner Nicholas Cage (Nick who married a waitress)
Nicholas Cage Lisa Marie Presley Steve Bing (millionaire playboy linked to Nicole Kidman)
Steve Bing Elizabeth Hurley NULL

Now, use the "Letter #" next to each of the recipients' names to extract a particular letter from the last name of the recipient:

Letter # Recipient
3 Julia Roberts
1 Winona Ryder
3 Jennifer Aniston
3 Catherine Zeta-Jones
4 Jennifer Garner
3 Lisa Marie Presley
6 Elizabeth Hurley

The answer is the most conspicuous celebrity missing from this group: Britney.

Entering "BRITNEY" into the Automated Help-Line (try it!) provides an amusing message and the next destination, Twin Peaks.

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